Mr. Eckelstone Teaches Drivers Ed/Transcript
Matt: Good afternoon. I am Mr. Eckelstone, your drivers ed instructor. Before we begin, I would like you all to close your eyes. Breath deeply, and embrace your inpending death. I've been teaching this course for over ten decades. Statistically, I should have died seventeen and a half times. With each new venture out onto the road, I take my fate into my hands. I mean this figuratively, of course, because this hand no longer has any feeling. Now then, if any of you wish to exit this death machine at this time, no one will judge you. But if you're here to stay, then let us see what new vehicular nightmares await us. Matt: So be it. Buckle up, everyone. Matt: Oh, well. Thank you. Thank you. It's fine. Yeah. Feels safe and secure, doesn't it? It's an illusion. No amount of straps can save you from the horrors that await us. Put the car into gear, shut the mirrors, and pray to whatever deities you may worship. If there are any atheists among us, you may pray to science. Ah, here we encounter our first trial. The left turn. This foolish woman has practically offered the Grim Reaper a seat in our car. Whitney: But it's just a left tu- Matt: Just a left turn?! Just a left turn? Would you say it's "just" a bullet to the brain? Intersections are the devil's playground and left turns are his swingset. Everyone assume crouched positions! Whitney: What do I do? Matt: Drive, woman! Whitney: Ah! Matt: You are all now on borrowed time. Whitney: I don't think I can do this. Matt: None of us can! Our human frames were not designed to travel at these velocities. It's an insult to nature, much like indoor plumbing or Taco Bell, but we have no choice. It seems that we are already speedily heading towards our next dance with death: this area is a deer crossing. Mallory: Are... are deer really that d- Matt: Dangerous?! Why don't you ask me after Bambi comes hurdling through the windshield at 45 miles an hour, and the interior of our car looks like a sea of carnage and antlers?! Then perhaps you'll have a more sober view of driving! Jason: I don't want to die! Matt: To drive is to die. Deer! No, I'm sorry, it's just the enormous cataract in my left eye. Deer! No, that's on me. Whitney: That... that sign says that we're leaving the deer crossing. Mallory: Ah, I feel so alive! Jason: I'll promise if we make it through this, I'll be a better man. Matt: Lovely sentiment, but I'm afraid it's too late. In our jubilation, we neglected to behold our impending doom. There, the freeway on-ramp. Mallory: I can't handle this. Whitney: What? Ah! Jason: She's gone! Matt: Leave the coward behind! Only the stout of heart may tread here. Whitney: What's happening? Matt: Oh, a storm approaches. The torrential rains will undoubtedly be our undoing. Increase your speed, child, or we'll never merge! Jason: Is this it? Matt: Call your loved ones and tell them farewell! Turn on your wipers, woman, and activate the headlights! We'll not go down without a fight. Check the mirrors, keep a fair distance from the car in front of you. Signal, woman! Signal if your life is depending on it. Ah ha ha! The end is... Deer! No, sorry. Jason: I love you, mom! Whitney: Goodbye, cruel world! Jason: Are we slowing down? Whitney: Yes. The cars in front of me are braking. Jason: I... I don't understand. Matt: It's five o'clock. We've unwittingly stumbled into rush hour traffic. We're safe. I would have rather we died. Deer! Category:Season 2